Tuesday, 13 August 2013

The Pac-12 All-Name Team

After writing a post on Colorado`s Chidera Uzo-Diribe, I mentioned that he should be the captain of the Pac-12's all name team. That got me to thinking, what would the Pac-12`s All-Name Team look like? I wrestled with this idea for awhile and today I finally got around to scouring all 12 roster in the conference and came up with the unofficial Pac-12 All-Name Team. What constitutes a name worthy of this list? alliteration helps, as does last names that are very difficult to spell and/or pronounce. There is a certain amount of "coolness" quotient that is entirely subjective based on my whimsy and if a player's name sounds like it could pass as a porn name, that automatically makes the team.

I have to say I was a little disappointed with the overall quality of names in the conference. The Pac-12 is sorely lacking in it's Yourhighness Morgan's, Leviticus Payne's, Godspower Offor's, and Barkevious Mingo's. However, there were enough strong names to put together a solid team of mostly walk-ons and redshirts that would get decimated by the 2008 Washington Huskies. Without further ado, here is the Pac-12 All-Name Team:

QB - Austin Apodaca, Wazzou. Alliteration helps and "Apodaca" rolls off the tongue rather nicely. I must say, the crop of names at QB was pretty weak. Why did Munchie Legaux have to decommit from Colorado and go to Cincinnati?

RB - Bishop Sankey, Washington. Sounds like a hotel bellhop or a receptionist at a really swanky office that sells plumbing products.

RB - Matthew Reidhead, ASU. Seriously, his last name is Reidhead.

FB - Psalm Wooching, Washington. That's right, I want to use I-Formations with the All-Name team and who better to call on than a guy named after a book of the Bible with a last name that sounds like a sex act?

WR - Obum Gwacham, Oregon St. Obum and Gwachum are decent on their own but put them together and it's sublime.

WR - Maximo Espitia, Cal. No he's not the barista at the Satrbucks down the road and he is not a mob member (at least we have no proof that he is) but he's a receiver at Cal with as many career receptions as I have.

WR - Damore'ea Stringfellow, Washington. Parents and their spelling on birth certificates are really starting to get out of hand. Stringfellow is pretty strong in it's own right.

TE - Pharoah Brown, Oregon. His legal first name is Pharaoh, what else do you need to hear?

OL - Xavier Su'a-Filo, UCLA. The one name that got so frustrating to type I finally resorted to copying and pasting while doing my top 40 post on him.

OL - Andre Yruretagoyena, Oregon. I'll give you 20 minutes to figure out how to pronounce that correctly wihout looking it up. Go on, I'll wait.

OL - Evan Finkenburg, ASU. I feel like "Finkenburg" was probably the Breaking Bad writer's second choice after "Heisenburg."

OL - Pierson Villarubia, Wazzou. Two last names and the second one sounds like a resort in Tahiti? Yes please.

OL - Gunnar Eklund, Wazzou. Has there ever been a better name for a Wazzou offensive lineman? It's not quite Baker Steinkuhler at Nebraska but it's close.

DL - Chidera Uzo-Diribe, Colorado. The captain. Strong first name, hyphen in the last name, all three words together sounds like it could pass for "Where is the gazpacho?" in Nigerian. Very strong.

DL - Moritz Christ, Wazzou. Seriously the Cougars are on fire. It doesn't sound particularly cool but the name looks weird enough in print that it qualifies.

DL - Gerhard De Beer, Arizona. Might as well be a co-captain. If you suggested this name at a character development meeting for the film Beerfest it would be rejected for being too corny.

DL - Owamagbe Odighuzuwa, UCLA. Another entry into the "difficult to pronounce makes it awesome" category. Toss in the alliteration element and we have a very strong name.

LB - Shayne Skov, Stanford. "Skov" has a very cool sound to it and the alliteration helps.

LB - Chans Cox, ASU. Porn name alert! Porn name alert!

LB - Nick Schlossberg, USC. Hehe, Schlossberg.

LB - Sir Thomas Jackson, Arizona. Not quite Sir Dominic Pointer, the basketball player at St.John's but it is very good none the less.

DB - Quade Chappuis, Utah. Where to start with this one? Two last names, first name and last name derived from two different languages, the fact that his parents named him Quade. Very strong.

DB - Brandon Beaver, Washington. Okay, there's no way this is a real name right? he must have been named Mike Williams and he changed to a goofy porn name as a joke.

DB - Hipolito Corporan, Utah. Doesn't that sound like a futuristic death robot or something? certainly one of the coolest names in the conference.

DB - Tyrequek Zimmerman, Oregon St. How do you even pronounce that last name? "Tire-queck?" "Tire-ceck?" "Tyrique?" I've been staring at that name for five minutes and I can't decide on an answer.

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